How to buy a train ticket in Paris

By Mary

First, figure out where you want to go. Let’s say Madrid. Next, get on the metro and ride for a half hour to the train station. Exit the metro and wander around downtown Paris looking for the Montparnasse train station. Stare blankly at signs that you cannot read. Wonder what they say. Search for pictures of trains and wish that the station was in the shape of a giant train so that it might be more easily identified. Approach random people on the street and mumble, “Gare Montparnasse?” and feel dumb when they can’t understand you because you don’t know how to pronounce French words. Finally get a man on a motorbike to understand your mutilation of his language and head in the direction of his gesture. Find the train station, go inside, and stare blankly at signs that you cannot read. Wonder what they say. Search for areas that look like ticket counters. Find only cafes and escalators leading to the metro. Finally, after wandering around four different floors and consulting a map of the station, come upon a row of ticket windows with roughly fifty people waiting in line. Get in line and wait. When it’s finally your turn, approach the ticket window and say, “Bonjour,” to the man behind the counter. He will then say things in French and you will have to say, “English please?” He will look impatient and respond with a heavily-accented, “Yes, okay.” Tell him that you want to go to Madrid. He will tell you that you are in the wrong ticket area and need to be in the International section. Leave the window and head in the direction of his pointing. Wait in another line for a very long time. When it’s finally your turn, approach the ticket window and say, “Bonjour,” to the man behind the counter. Tell him that you want to go to Madrid. He will once again tell you that you are in the wrong ticket area and that you need to be in the International section. Curse yourself for not taking French in high school. Empathize with Fantasia Barrino and all those other people who don’t know how to read. Leave the window and head in the direction of the man’s pointing. Wait in another line for a very long time. When it’s finally your turn, approach the ticket window and tell the man behind the counter that you want to go to Madrid. He will say, “Okay,” and you will finally know that you’re in the right place. Buy a ticket to Madrid and pay a lot more money than you were expecting to pay. Suck it up because you are an ignorant American who can’t read. Spend the next two hours riding the metro to a different train station that you will need to go to when you depart for Madrid and wander around the station wondering how in the hell you are going to find your train on Sunday evening. Resolve to arrive at the station three hours early and ask lots of questions. Finally, get lost in the oddly high-tech train station bathroom, smoke a cigarette outside, and hop on the metro to resume being a tourist in the lovely city of Paris.

The end.