Advise thyself

I’ve been trying to think of a time in my life in which I have made so many independent, consultant-free decisions and I can’t. There has always been someone to advise me. Someone who might have more knowledge than me, a second opinion that could help me make my choice. I could always call my parents, my sister or brother, a friend, or even a teacher. Or at the very least, I could get a million anonymous bits of information from the Internet.

But now, here I am, disconnected from the world. My cell phone won’t make local calls and it costs oodles of money to call home. What precious little Internet time I have is filled writing frantic, fragmented emails and searching for youth hostels and train stations. I can’t send text messages, instant messenger is out of the question and every single pay phone I’ve used has swallowed my money and refused to let me dial out.

And of course right now is the time when I MOST need a second opinion. I’m craving advice like I crave chocolate. Every moment of every day since this trip began I’ve had questions. How do I find the train station? How much does will it cost? How do I make a reservation? How long does it take to get there? Do I need cash? What if I get on the wrong train? Which hostel should I stay at? How long should I stay? Where should I go next? What should I do everyday? What should I buy? WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT HOW HOW HOW HOW? Sometimes my brain can’t take it and I have to sit on a bench and just stare. I have to pretend to be my father and think about what someone who feels comfortable making decisions might do.

The most frustrating part is that so many of my questions would be easily answerable if I just had Internet access. Or a working cell phone. Or a knowledgeable friend. And so I try using strangers. A day has yet to pass in which I don’t stop someone on the street and ask him or her where the nearest tube stop is or how to find so-and-so museum or simply what time it is (the 12-hour version, please). I have long since given up any sense of pride that might prevent me from finding my destination or saving me a few bucks. And I’m okay with the fact that half the time I’ll look like an ass when the very thing I’m asking someone to help me find turns out to be right in front of my face. Yesterday I got to feel like a real champ when some heavily-accented young man asked me for directions to the Waterloo Underground station. It happened to be right behind him, so I pointed and he turned and saw the sign and laughed. Unfortunately, the entrance was boarded up and I couldn’t help him find a different route but still, I had my moment.

Yesterday was frustrating. I had to figure out how to get from London to Paris and find a place to stay in Paris all without a friend to ask, a phone to use and limited Internet access. I sat on the floor of my room in the hostel and stared at my Eurailpass. Have I made this decision? Do I want to go to Paris tomorrow? Is that the right thing to do? Should I stay in London for a while longer? How do I know when I have the right answer? I wished that I could pull an authoritative person out of my pocket, someone who would say, “YES. You are going to Paris. You are going to figure out where the train station is and you are going to get on the train and you are going to go to Paris. And you are going to book a hostel in Paris and you are going to go there. And then you are going to walk around Paris and you are going to make friends. And when you are done, you will pull me out of your pocket and I will tell you what to do next.”

But instead I became that miniature authoritative person, except much less confident and more shaky and nervous. I got out my Underground map and found the correct station. Then I went to the station and asked three different people for help until one of them finally knew what to do with a Eurailpass. Then I bought a train ticket, went to an Internet café, booked three nights in a Parisian hostel, and voila, decision made. Just like that. It took a few hours and more than enough uncomfortable uncertainty, but I now have a plan for the next three days of my life and that’s more than I could say when I woke up this morning.

So this is how people do it, huh? They just decide something and then make it happen. I’m not quite sure I’ve actually done that before. I mean, I’ve made millions of little, inconsequential decisions on my own, but never anything that determined my fate in such an important way. I’ve always had parents and friends and the Internet to help me. It takes a kind of self-faith that I’ve never felt before. I’m holding my own hand and trusting myself in a way that is entirely new. It feels odd. I’ll have no problem blaming myself when things go wrong, but I’m not sure if I’ll give myself the same amount of credit for every thing that goes right. So far there have been little moments of pride; I’ve found myself marveling to people that I can’t believe I’m actually here and that I actually pulled it all off, but with all the new challenges that keep piling on my plate, I get distracted quite easily and haven’t taken the time to reflect on what I’ve accomplished now that I’m here.

So I guess I’m doing that now. All I need to do is look around the room and I can see exactly what I’ve built for myself. It’s so trite and clichéd, but I’ve found that a lot of what I’ve had to tell myself lately is pretty cheesy. The other day I was laying in bed, trying to sleep and wondering where I should travel to next. I actually thought the words “I need to create my own destination.” I immediately rolled my eyes and mocked myself, but it was true. I have to think shit like that all the time just to keep going.

Oh and to answer the question “Are there centipedes in Europe?” The answer is YES. In fact, I just showed one the bottom of my shoe.