Famous last words

“Dude, I’ll hang out with anybody. I don’t care. As long as they can put up with me, it’s cool.”

I was cocky before I left for Europe. I was convinced that everyone would be wonderful and fun – we’re all just a bunch of reckless travelers with everything in common and a few days to kill, so it’s all love all the time, right?

Hah. Not so.

I’m quickly learning that, in each city I visit, it really does matter with whom I choose to spend my time. Amsterdam and Prague were tons of fun but they can’t even begin to compare to cities like London, Barcelona, Vienna, or Hamburg simply because the friends I made in Amsterdam and Prague were either a) really boring, b) really annoying, or c) the kind of Americans that I hate.

It’s easy to make friends in hostels. Like, really easy. One barely has to put forth any effort and suddenly people are offering to share sandwiches and conversations are sparked in the hallway. Everyone is there to meet everyone else, so it’s never awkward to chat up a random person with a backpack. This is really awesome for obvious reasons, but sometimes the abundance of people and your own desperation for friends can result in a night of wanting to rip out your hair or set people on fire.

I’m not complaining. Rarely does poor company ever ruin my experience of a city. But each time I meet someone with whom I have a great connection, it overshadows all the days spent with not-so-great people.

Take today for example. When I arrived in Cinque Terre, a tiny cluster of villages on the east coast of Italy, I immediately befriended my two roommates, Jack and Brock. Tan, dark-haired, athletic guys from San Diego, they’re definitely not guys with whom I would normally associate. They’re macho and boisterous, make way too many dick jokes, and constantly brag about banging chics. They throw beer bottles over beautiful, scenic cliffs just to hear the glass shatter on the rocks below. To further illustrate my point, here are a few quotes from Jack and Brock that I’ve collected over the past 24 hours:

“Dude, I hope I don’t run into that girl in Florence. She was all pissed off at me because I wouldn’t go back to her room and cuddle, but she wasn’t going to let me fuck her, so I just walked off and said ‘Later.’ She did suck my dick on the rocks though so HA HA HA HA HA.”

“Yes! George Bush! Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. Nice work, Bush.”

“I wanted to be an inventor, but … I dunno.”

“Fuckin’ faggot.”

“What the hell are ‘Somalians?’”

“You ever been to Oakland, bro? Don’t ever go. It’s all black dudes who’re like, 6’7”.”

”Nah, I don't miss those girls. Time to move on to bigger and better ... actually, make that skinnier and better. HA HA HA HA HA.

Are you starting to understand my dilemma here? I want to be nice to everyone and make lots of friends but sometimes the only people around to meet are ones who SUCK REALLY BADLY.

I could tell within thirty seconds that I wasn’t going to like Jack and Brock, but I decided to give them a chance and enjoy my time in Cinque Terre despite being surrounded by sexism, chauvinism, perversion and ignorance. They weren’t too keen on me either - mainly because my behavior is not in line with that of a Girls Gone Wild video - but I have breasts and I’m their roommate, so they’ve made an attempt to include me in their tourist activities.

It hasn’t been all bad. Jack and Brock arrived in Cinque Terre a day before I got in, so they were able to show me around a bit and point out things like Internet cafes and pay phones, but now that my visit is essentially over, I can’t help but wish I’d done most of my touring alone.

We met a pair of Canadian girls in the street on my first night in the village and I immediately invited them to our hostel for dinner, hoping that some new pheromones would dilute all the machismo in the air and give me a couple of allies. Unfortunately, Camille and Sara turned out to be the type of girls who adore third grade humor and don’t mind being reduced to a pair of tits and ass. I sat on the sidelines as a cast-off fifth wheel and watched as the four of them discussed drinking and how much they can drink and what kind of drinks they like to drink and how long they’ve been drinking and isn’t great to have drinking in common. Topics even resembling intelligent were never broached and I’m pretty sure I was marginally stupider by the end of the evening.

The next morning we woke up early and set off on a ten mile mountainside hike along the Mediterranean Sea. Given that I've never hiked along the Mediterranean Sea before and it was largely uphill in 80 degree weather, I wanted to take my time and snap pictures every so often. Apparently, this is an impossible concept for 22-year-old, strapping young men to grasp. Jack and Brock felt an inexplicable need to RUN up the entire mountain. Forget stopping to enjoy the picaresque, unforgettable view. Forget picnicking on a cliff or sunning on a boulder. They had to be the fastest hikers on the mountain, zooming past gobs of tourists as if Paris Hilton herself was waiting at the end of the trail ready to fulfill all of their smuttiest fantasies.

I lagged behind, slamming water, trying not to faint, and tried not to think about how much more fun I’d be having if Jack and Brock were magically replaced by Philipp and Felix. We finished the hike, took a dip in the sea, and laid on the beach for a few hours. I listened to Belle and Sebastian on my iPod as I got a full-body massage from a perky Chinese lady and tried to ignore the giggles coming from Jack and Brock who were beyond entertained by the sight of a woman rubbing another woman.

We headed back to our hostel and I promised myself that never again will I commit myself to the first person I meet in any given city. Sometimes it works out well and I end up having a great time, but all too often, spending too much time with people who suck can really hurt my impression of a place. My memories of the countries, cities, and hostels I’ve visited have become a smorgasbord of names and faces from all of the people I met while I was there. Usually there are one or two individuals who stick out in my mind and unfortunately, it’s not always in a positive way. But I’m still learning as I go and I’ve got a month more to get things right. Hopefully the suckitude has hit its highest point and will only go down from here.